It's been a long time since I posted here. You would never know it, but I have been writing a lot. In trying to write for the blog, I discovered that I loved the process, especially writing poetry. The creative writing became part of my prayer practice, and I have ended up with lots of poems. Writing as part of my prayer, meant writing from my heart, and this meant that the end product was far to personal for me to post on the web. I ended up really admiring authors who could tell it like it is and then put it out there for the world to see. I think of one of my favorites, Heather King, a writer and self described "ex-barfly, ex-lawyer, Catholic convert". Ms. King's writing is so raw and direct that it goes straight to your very soul. A friend of mine recently talked to me about the need to filter writing through the heart. I think it is that type of writing that is both cathartic to the writer and touching to the reader. Writing that touches people comes directly from the heart. For me, writing that comes from my heart, comes from my prayer. It has become part of my spiritual journey.
So, why now back to this blog? Of course, it is a matter of the heart that brings me back. I have come to love the summer. The demands of the world decrease, the pace is slower, and best of all, the kids are home from school. Since my son has gone to college, the summer gives us an extended time to be together as a family, and I just love the company of my children. Now, the dreaded end of the summer is upon me. This means that the kids will be back in school. For the girls, it is their senior year. It will be a year of many thresholds and changes for them and for us. For my son, it means back to college. A quieter house, empty rooms, and his presence dearly missed.
Any mother knows that a part of her heart is always with her children. It is just the way it is. So, the end of summer for me means that my heart will once again be separated from itself. I have watched many mothers post their back to college laments on the social media. I know that many mothers have had to say far more heart wrenching goodbyes. For me, I have spent much energy trying to hold back the sands of time. I look at the pictures of my cousin's adorable little sons and remember when and wish that time would not move so fast. I would freeze my time with my children and as a song I know goes: "make it last for a hundred more years." As if somehow, if I could just muster enough energy and will, I could keep the door from opening and the children from walking through it. But, walk through it they must, and so too must I.
I know that the children are on their own spiritual journey. We are all moving towards God. So much of my life has been spent guiding them, that I forget that I am walking my own path towards God. In between the tears, I am happy to let go of my children with great pride as I watch them become the most amazing young people. The hole that is being left by their growing and moving on in their own lives is huge and is only getting bigger. What I need to do is let go and let only God fill that hole. I believe that there is a depth to the spiritual life that I have not yet begun to explore. I have learned that my writing is part of this adventure, and that is what I hope that it will be. An adventure filled with promise, hope and beginnings. An adventure that will lead me closer to God. So, I return to this blog planning to spend more time writing and posting. For anyone who ends up reading, welcome and thank you for sharing the journey with me.
P.S.- I asked my wise beyond her years and resident artist daughter to review this before posting. He words to me: "Mommy, maybe it would help you to think of your heart as expanding and not separating. There is just a wider radius of Momma." Now, I wonder, who is guiding who?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0Uz51NJJxM
